I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
