You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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