My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize