mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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