My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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