It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
