in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
