Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize