My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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