Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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