Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
