we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
