i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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