Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
