Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
