I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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