I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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