Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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