Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
