dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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