I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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