It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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