you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
