sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize