I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
