This dress was meant to end up on your floor
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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