Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
