So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I need water and some morals
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize