My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
