It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
