I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
