Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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