Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
