What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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