Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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