You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
