Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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