at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
