he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
