dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
