It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
