At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
