i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
