I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
