I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You smell like stripper and shame
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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