Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhhâ€
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