I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Randomize
