Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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