Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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