i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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