Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
