I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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