I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
