We're facebook friends in real life
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
