I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
