I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
