Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
